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Fall Or Fly
Fall Or Fly
Forfatter: BigNerdBeard
Skrevet: 2015-05-27 16:13:43
Version: 1.0
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The edge of the roof. I'm standing here again. It is such a familiar place. I've been here many times before and every time I come up here I think 'This is the last time I will stand here.' and then I take a deep breath as I lean forward ready to let gravity pull me down ready to fall. I never get to experience the feeling of flying though because at the last second the last moment her face always flashes before my eyes and the sweet melody that is her voice plays inside my head. The thought of how she would react if I did it the thing along with the memory of her that pulls me back every time.

And when the wind sweeps through my hair it reminds me of how she would gently run her fingers through it to make me fall asleep. How her smile would always make me smile when I gazed up at her feeling sleep slowly starting to take over. And from there my mind takes a journey as it replays all the memories I have of her. The way her smile takes my breath away and how the glow in her eyes makes my heart beat quicken.

The way her hips sway when she walks makes my breath hitch. Her long black silky hair flowing over her shoulders and down her back rich like black gold softer than the most luxurious silk. The golden hue of her skin and the deep chocolate color of her eyes a beautiful color like a light shade of ebony. Her smile the one that shows off all of your shiny pearly white teeth. Her laughter the one that sounds throughout the room so sweet and infectious that people can't help but giggle alongside with her.

The small freckles dotted across her nose and cheeks. The ones she hates so much and the ones I find so adorable much like the red color of her cheeks and the way she looks down at the ground when she blush. Her gorgeous face that makes people stops and stare. The face that breaks out into a huge grin every time I kiss her nose it starts raining or simply just that her favorite song is playing on the radio. I love how she makes me feel like I'm flying. How her love for me makes me feel like I'm flying.

I didn't fall in love with her gradually as I got to know her slowly. I fell in love with her the second I heard her beautiful laughter sounding throughout the room and I turned around and was met with her gorgeous face her smile lighting up the room her eyes shining happily. Here at night as I look over the city the lights coming from the buildings street lights and passing cars remind me of how her eyes shone that night. How they shine every time something or someone makes her happy or excited.

I love how she managed to keep her childish innocence though she has seen more in the few years she has lived than most see in their whole lifetime. Even with everything life has thrown at her and still continues to she manages to continue smiling. She manages to stay happy. A real kind of happy not the fake kind like I feel most of the time. The only time I feel happy the only real kind of happiness I feel is when I'm with her.

I love the feel of her soft plump lips as they press against my own. I love how just one look from her makes my knees so weak I can hardly stand. How one touch sends my body into overdrive. I wish she was here. I wish she would wrap her arms around my waist and pull me back while whispering comforting things into my ear. Loving things. I wish she was here to stop me instead of only the memory the thought of her stopping me.

But then again she doesn't even know I'm here. She has no idea that I have been here on this edge in this situation countless times before. And maybe that's a good thing she knows that it's gotten worse that I've gotten worse, but she has no idea that it's this bad. That I've gotten this bad this desperate that I'm hurting this much. Somehow I find myself being glad that she doesn't know. Of course, I would love if she was here able to stop the pain coursing through my veins but I would rather face this hell alone than I would have her face it with me.

She's not purposely ignoring how bad it all is that I know. But I do believe that even though she see's the symptoms and she recognizes them she refuses to believe that it is true. She refuses to accept it because the pain I feel she knows so well that knowing I feel it would hurt her to an extent both she and I know that after all she has been and is still going through she wouldn't be abe to handle.

Don't get me wrong it is not that she is weak. It is simply that seeing someone whom you care about someone you love more than you love anyone else go through this hurts you pain you in a whole other way. In a way that somehow manages to be so much worse. I know that because I watched her walk through hell and back and I couldn't help her. That's why I don't want her to know; she would just hurt wouldn't be able to handle it and in the end she wouldn't be able to help me anyway so I don't see the point in  hurting her like that.

The coolness of the night reminds me of how I feel when she wakes up. How when she remove her arms from around me to get ready coldness sweeps in and takes over her place leaving me cold and lonely. I wouldn't complain though; I'm lucky I even get to fall asleep with her never mind wake up with her. The slight rush I get when I lean just a little bit closer to the edge and gravity threatens to pull me down reminds me of the feeling I get when she pushes me down on her bed.

It should be easy to make this decision. I want to make it so much. Either lean forward and let go or step backward and keep holding on. The only problem is that none of those options is the one I want. The one I want is her. It has always been her. I don't want to let go of it all I want to let go of everything except for her. And I don't want to hold on I want her to hold me. It seems so simple. And yet it is impossible. It is not an option for me. I guess that's why I always end up here again.

Maybe if I stopped promising myself that this time would be the last time I stand here it would actually be the last time. Or maybe if I just took one step forward without take one backward as well it would be over. I don't want it to be over though. Not yet. I want to spend my life with her I want to spend every waking moment with her and I want the thought of falling through the night sky to never cross my mind again because life is simply too good with her to think about something like that.

It's all wishes though. I wish to never think about this again. I wish I could spend an eternity with her. I wish I could step back from the edge with ease. I wish I had never been here in the first place. I wish so much more but what does it matter? I won't be able to do anything about it as I am too far gone. Only she can pull me back from the black hole that has slowly started devouring me.

I can feel the buildings concrete roof's edge under my fingers and I find myself wishing it was her bare skin. I find myself wishing I was with her. And that's when I realize that those are the wishes I can actually grant myself. And that's when I get up take one last look over the city seeing the sun start to rise in the horizon as I step back down from the edge tiredly turning around. And then I walk over to the door enter the building walk into our apartment I sneak into the bedroom and under the covers where I fall asleep in her arms my lips curving upwards in a small smile as her arms wrap around me.

And she will never even know that I almost disappeared completely from her life that night.

haleløs2015-05-27 21:21:42

tror, jeg vil henvise dig til denne fremragende lyriker Tælleteknik
venligst ...
BigNerdBeard2015-05-27 23:29:20
Tak for henvisningen men jeg læser ikke rigtigt danske tekster mere siden jeg har svært ved at leve mig ind i dem og jeg bare ikke får det samme ud af det som jeg gør af en engelsk tekst.

haleløs2015-05-28 07:01:55

lad mig lige forklare dig noget; ingen blir nogensinde bedre til et fremmedsprog end man er til sit modersmål! Det har mange kendte kunstnere måttet sande; de er flyttet til udlandet for at slå igennem på engelsk, men er hurtigt vendt hjem til det danske sprog.

Dit engelsk er nydeligt og flydende, men ... fladt dvs der savnes nuancer og sproglig variation.

Selv jeg, som gennem rigtig mange år har fået stor ros for min sprogkyndighed, sér mig end ikke som to-sproget; næeh; DANSK er og forblir min foretrukne udtryksform.
INTET over eller ved siden af DAnSK ;)
venligst ...
BigNerdBeard2015-05-28 10:12:40
Jeg har aldrig sagt jeg var bedre til engelsk end jeg er til dansk. Jeg nyder simpelthen bare at læse tekster på engelsk frem for på dansk.

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