 |  | I Am Crazy |
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"How was your day?" she asked her familiar piercing blue eyes studying me carefully taking in every movement of my body trying to figure out exactly what I felt what problems it caused and how she could fix it. I cocked my head to the side studying her myself for a few moments taking in her black pencil skirt light gray blouse and black blazer. I studied her face the wrinkles around her eyes showed she is or at least was a happy person her set jaw telling me she was frustrated her eyes showed compassion and her slight smile sympathetic. I knew she felt bad for me that was no secret but I didn't want her sympathy. Her compassion? Maybe I'm not sure. I'm not really sure of much these days I don't know why that is maybe it's because of my problems but then again it could be the new medication. I drew in a breath thinking about the answer to her question coming to the conclusion that I simply didn't know how my day was. "I don't know." I told her honestly my voice hoarse and raspy. I never really used it I only talked to Laura; my psychiatrist because the last thing my mom told me before she left was, 'Jessica please don't shut them out they are only trying to help you. Talk to them let them in or at least let you psychiatrist in.' "Surely you must know." she asked surprised that I didn't know. I understand why she would be surprised by my answer. Normally I would just lie and tell her that it had been okay and she would let it go. I have a feeling she's not really interested in the answer but that could just be me after all I've been having a lot of weird feelings lately. Like I think I might like the new girl or I guess I should call her a woman? She's schizophrenic though so I will never be able to actually be in a relationship with her. Or maybe I can I think I'm equally as crazy though no one knows why. I shook my head and quickly glanced out of the window before looking back at Laura looking eyes with her. "I don't." I simply stated and she sighed and looked down at her clipboard quickly writing something before looking back up at me getting ready to ask me another question. "Well what did you do today?" she said going about her normal routine asking the same questions as always. I don't get why she would ask what I did today because she knows I didn't do anything. There's not really a lot to do here It's just boring white walls sterile floors and pictures that looks like someone was high while painting them. "Nothing." I said. It was the truth I didn't do anything I just sat in my room on my bed and stared out the window. She sighed shaking her head not liking my answer just like all the other times and just like all the other times she told me to do something before I came to see her next. Again I don't understand why she told me to do something because she knows I won't. I never have the energy to do anything anymore nor do I ever want to. She placed her clipboard on the little coffee table that was placed beside her chair. Leaning back in her chair she folded her hands and put them in her lap placing one leg over the other making herself a bit more comfortable. She started looking at me again though it was different this time. She wasn't just looking at me she was really looking like she was really trying to see me if you know what I mean? I guess you don't I'm not even sure I know what I mean myself. She reached up to her face and took her glasses of folding them she placed them on top of the clipboard. She sighed again. I think sighing might be like a fetish of hers. Did I even use that word correctly? Is it fetish or something else? See I can't even describe her without getting myself confused. My mind is really a mess. "Jessica," she started and I snorted. I've always hated being called that mainly because that's what my mom calls me. I don't know I've never really liked my mother it's weird. She's perfect most people say and I get what they mean I really do and I can see it too. Somehow though I just can't bring myself to like her never mind love her. Loving my mom. Even thinking about it seems unrealistic like it's not even a possibility. I know I will never be able to love her. I just can't. "What did you do today?" she finished. I just looked at her. I think she noticed my confused expression. Actually I think she noticed my already confused expression become even more confused. I always look confused these days might as well match the outside with the inside. At least that's what I think. "Nothing." I said again and she shook her head smiling at herself amused confusing me furthermore. "Jessica you can't do nothing you have to do something. Even breathing is doing something." she said and I leaned backwards resting myself in the chair sliding down so I was almost lying in it and I looked up towards the ceiling. The bright lights from her lamps blinded me but it didn't matter I wasn't trying to see anyway. I thought about her words. I got what she meant and if you went by those rules then I guess I had been doing something. Beside the things you can't avoid doing like breathing and moving if only a little bit because your body shakes that tiny bit no one really notices because it's that little but yeah. I have a feeling that I'm getting a little off track here. "I watched it." I said still lying down in the armchair I looked over towards Laura who had a confused expression on her face. "Life I mean." I clarified and her confused expression turned to a sad one though I don't know why. "What did you see?" she asked. I knew that wasn't what she was originally planning on saying but I didn't really care for what it was she really wanted to tell or ask me. I just wasn't curious. It didn't matter anyhow because even if I acquired all the knowledge in the world I still couldn't use it to anything. "I saw life." I said I knew she was asking for what I saw with my eyes but my mind and heart was telling knew that I didn't really see the leaves falling or the kids playing I really saw life. My eyes didn't understand that nor did the rest of my body but somehow it still made sense to me. Apparently Laura didn't understand how I could see life either because she looked even more confused than before. "Life." I said again closing my eyes drawing in a breath blocking out everything else. I don't know how it works and I'm not going to start asking questions because if someone explains it to me it might disappear because it never really existed. I was there. I was out in the world. I was living. I was free. But most importantly I was dying. I don't mean the on my deathbed kind of dying I just mean dying. I wasn't doing anything I was just watching life go by children grow get married have children themselves get grandchildren and so on and in the end dying. I watched so many people die. I don't mean I saw them die I just watched them die. I watched them live. I watched them die. It's kind of like potato potato. It's the same there's no difference to me. Life sucks. Death sucks. If you live you die. If you die you live. It's the same just a different word. I wish I could die. Then maybe I could finally live. But then again I wish I could live because then maybe I could finally die. I don't know it's all a big mess I guess. I mean my mind. Life is a mess too though and so is death just one big pile of messiness and I don't know what else. It's all so confusing nothing makes sense anymore and somehow that makes sense. Like I said my mind doesn't make sense. Neither do I. But if you ask me nothing really makes sense. It never did not even before I ended up like this. Crazy that is. Maybe I have a shot with the new woman after all. It doesn't really matter that she's schizophrenic if we're all crazy anyway. I think I'm just rambling now. Not that it's important anyway nothing is important everything's gonna end up lost someday anyway so it doesn't really matter that much if it even matters at all. "Jessica you can be apart of their lives apart of life it self. You just need to let us in so we can help you." a voice pulled me out of my daydream. I would say it was annoying but that would just be cruel. I could also say that she is ugly and though true it's mean and I would never say something like that. You shouldn't either. I don't know you but most people judge other's I myself judge other people. I would be a hypocrite if I told you not to I mean after all we are just humans. We shouldn't judge people but we do it anyway. If we judge people or not isn't really important. The important part is that you don't let your judgement affect how you see the person in question. That's the important part. At least in my mind it is. Sitting up properly in the chair again I sighed and bit down on my bottom lip drawing blood. It's easy to draw blood you just bite. If you ask me it doesn't even hurt. Laura just looked at me she didn't even think it was weird that I was biting my lip and drawing blood. Nor did she look like she found it weird that it didn't hurt. I guess she's seen and still see's a lot of things with the job she has. Psychiatrist. Most of the people who needs one hates them I think that's weird since they're just trying to help us after all. I don't know. I don't hate her but I don't like being here. It's not her fault I'm here though. It's not really anyone's fault I think death just got in the way. This time I mean actual death I'm here because I died. Twice. I think I know what you're thinking. 'You died? Then how are you sitting here right now?' I think that's what you're thinking I wouldn't know though because I'm not you. I think most people would react like that. Me? I would react something more like, 'You died? I can relate to that. I lived.' I would probably confuse people a lot if I said that though so best stick to the more normal reply. Or well as normal as a reply can be when someone tells you they died. I didn't try to commit suicide. No I tried to live and it went wrong and I ended up dying once in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and once in the ER. As you can probably tell they revived me though. I guess that's a good thing. I don't know. I don't think being dead would be that bad I think it might be good. It's the same with living it's not actually that bad. It might even qualify as good sometimes. "I'm already apart of life." I answered as I looked out the window promptly ignoring her gaze. "Much like I'm already apart of death." I said. It was the first time I ever let someone in and let them see a piece of my mind. I don't know if I regret it. No wait I know I don't regret it. The reason as to why I don't regret it even though I know something bad will probably come out of this is because I can't change it. I don't want to regret something I can't change anyway. "I don't quite follow." she said. I knew she was lying. She was completely lost she had no earthly or unearthly idea of what I was talking about. She didn't want to admit it but I could see it. Her face was wiped clean of emotions like a blackboard wiped clean not even a hint of chalk left or in this case emotion. "I know." I said keeping my gaze looked on her face not looking her in the eye. I think all psychiatrist try to make eye contact normally but I knew that if I tried to look her in the eye then and there I wouldn't be able to. She didn't want to make eye contact. I don't know why. Maybe I scared her? That is possible I've been told I have this aura that somehow scares people. I don't know maybe it's true or maybe some other crazy person in here just made it up. That could be. I guess I'll never find out. "Do you think you would try to commit suicide again if you got the chance?" she asked and I almost laughed at her question. I don't know why it was so funny it just was. "Depends." I answered. It really didn't. I would never try to kill myself I've never tried to kill myself. I just tried to free myself and maybe live a little. She doesn't understand that though. "Depends?" she asked and I knew she wished for me to elaborate but I really didn't want to. "Yes. Depends." I said instead acting like I didn't understand her question. We both knew I knew what she was really asking but she didn't try to ask me again and I didn't answer it so that was that. She glanced up at the clock on the wall and I looked at it too. I knew there where only a minute or two left but it didn't matter to me. For all I care I could be stuck here for the rest of the day it's not like it would make any difference. I would still be me. I would still be dying and life would still be passing. Here there or just anywhere in general it was all the same. In the end the result would be the same; we would go about life and then we would die only to live a little more. "Our time is up for today but I would like to continue this conversation the next time? I feel like where finally getting somewhere." she said and I knew the last comment wasn't said to me but more to herself. I rose to my feet before answering, "Our time has just begun and this conversation doesn't exist therefore we cannot continue it. Have a nice day." I said leaving her behind dazed as I walked out of the room swiftly my feet making no noise at all or maybe they sounded like a whole fanfare. I don't know. Like everything else I will never know. I am a lot of things that I am aware of. One thing though. The most dominant feature I have. I. Am. Crazy. | ||||||||||||||
 | haleløs | 2015-03-06 09:03:08 |
would you consider throwing in some , commas
for example here "Or maybe I can I think I'm equally as crazy though no one knows why."
so I could catch my breath some while reading on?
I love the consultation-setting and you english is very good!
sincerely ...
for example here "Or maybe I can I think I'm equally as crazy though no one knows why."
so I could catch my breath some while reading on?
I love the consultation-setting and you english is very good!
sincerely ...
| haleløs | 2015-03-06 17:01:38 |
'correctly' doesn't matter; just put them where the narrator would (have to) stop for breath ;) sincerely ...
| BigNerdBeard | 2015-03-06 17:11:24 |
I will try this next time. Maybe I will edit this later I don't know.
| haleløs | 2015-03-08 13:49:17 |
this just to say that I like your differentiations between 'saw' and 'watched'!
Haven't finished reading; shall be back ;)
sincerely ...
Haven't finished reading; shall be back ;)
sincerely ...
| BigNerdBeard | 2015-03-08 15:39:41 |
Thank you :)
| haleløs | 2015-03-10 12:29:04 |
this thought: "If we judge people or not isn't really important. The important part is that you don't let your judgement affect how you see the person in question" is very essential, deep and powerful!
You should print this essay out and present it to someone(s) important to you!
I'll be reading on ... slowly ;)
sincerely ...
You should print this essay out and present it to someone(s) important to you!
I'll be reading on ... slowly ;)
sincerely ...
| BigNerdBeard | 2015-03-10 16:00:46 |
I actually said that to a friend of mine. We were talking about her being gay and her parents judging her because of it. So I told her that "It's not important if they judge you or not. The important part is that they don't let their judgement affect how they see you and feel about you."
She told that to her parents and now they accept her. It makes me happy to think that my words and advice has actually helped someones situation get better.
And maybe I should I know a few people who could benefit from reading this.
She told that to her parents and now they accept her. It makes me happy to think that my words and advice has actually helped someones situation get better.
And maybe I should I know a few people who could benefit from reading this.
| haleløs | 2015-03-11 13:39:51 |
you're certainly NOT crazy! It takes a very mature teen to ponder about life, death and ... what's the use!
I enjoyed the humorous "... or maybe some other crazy person in here just made it up. That could be. I guess I'll never find out."
You're a gifted writer, and your above text deserves a much larger audience!
sincerely ...
NB one JUMPS to ones feet ;)
I enjoyed the humorous "... or maybe some other crazy person in here just made it up. That could be. I guess I'll never find out."
You're a gifted writer, and your above text deserves a much larger audience!
sincerely ...
NB one JUMPS to ones feet ;)
| BigNerdBeard | 2015-03-11 19:13:29 |
Thank you. :)
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