 |  | Ophelia - one // regret |
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one // regret [thief: amy bitterman] [symptom: fear] [date: february twenty-sixth two thousand and ten] [time: 03.47 pm] [location: amy bitterman's house; front porch] Ophelia loses the first piece of her heart at the young age of thirteen. Her name is Amy Bitterman and she has honey colored hair and rich brown eyes. Her scent, her eyes, and her last name all remind Ophelia all too much of the beverage she loves so much. Coffee. Amy is dressed in a cream colored sweater, black leggings, and brown uggs when she leaves Ophelia feeling empty with one less piece of her heart. [i broke your heart] "But I love you." Ophelia breathed, her voice quivering as tears well up in her eyes. Amy shuffles slightly on her feet as she avoids Ophelia's desperate looking eyes. "We're thirteen. What do we know about love." Amy says her voice indifferent. Ophelia hears a silent giggle carry from inside the house to where she is standing on the front porch as she feels Amy's cold eyes study her face calmly. "Why are you doing this?" Ophelia whispers, her voice thick with tears that she refuses to let drop. [because I didn't have a choice] The cold wind outside is making Ophelia shiver and the bright sunlight that reflects off of the white snow dances in a single tear that slowly rolls down her cheek. Amy just shrugs as her hard eyes meet with Ophelia’s heartbroken blue one’s. “Why not.” she just replied. “Because we love each other.” Ophelia protests. this time a little louder. Her choice of words cause Amy to scoff at her. “You mean because you love me, right?” Amy respond and she sound rather amused in spite of the look in her eyes. “Because surely you can’t be as delusional as to think that I really love you.” she gives a harsh laugh at the end of her sentence. Amy’s words hit Ophelia like a ton of bricks and she starts to regret ever coming over to ask Amy why they broke up. “But you told me that-“ Ophelia starts to say, though she is cut off by Amy before she can finish her sentence. “As if I could ever mean that.” Amy rolls her eyes as Ophelia draws in a shaky breath. “I was only being nice to you until you got some friends. How was I supposed to know that was never going to happen.” Amy explains. Ophelia feels like the tears she now cries are made out of ice in the cold winter weather as Amy inhales deeply and looks away from Ophelia. Ophelia looks at Amy, feeling like the brown eyed girl that stands in front of her is a complete stranger. The Amy that Ophelia remembers is quite possibly the nicest person on the planet. She loves everything and everyone. Ophelia could feel her heart start to crack at the edge as she remembers how Amy protected her on her first day of school when Neil Thompson was teasing her. Ophelia remembers all of the good times they had together eating junk food and watching chick flicks until the early morning. Ophelia remembers how kissing Amy makes her feel and how when Amy says that she loves Ophelia it is the best feeling in the world. As she thinks about all of this Ophelia realizes just how different the Amy she saw two days ago in school is from the Amy that stands in front of her now. A shadow moves across the floor behind Amy as another quiet giggle could be heard in the silence that followed Amy’s words. About half a minute passes in an awkward silence before Amy speaks up again. “Look I think it would be best if you just left now.” Amy sighs whilst she rubs her arm, unable to not feel cold as she stands in the doorway. [but in spite of this- please do me one last favor] Ophelia doesn’t say anything more. She does not have anything to say. Instead she just nods quietly feeling more tears make their way down her cheeks as she turns around. Ophelia can feel Amy’s gaze on her as she slowly makes her way down the path that leads from Amy’s front porch to the sidewalk. For the first time in her relatively short life, Ophelia has just gotten her heart broken and as she leaves Amy’s presence, she hopes more than anything that she will call out for her and tell her that it was all just a joke. A cruel joke but a joke nonetheless. Amy does not call out for her though, she simply stands in the doorway, holding a piece of Ophelia’s heart in her hands, unaware of just how much she had hurt Ophelia. As Ophelia opens the gate in the fence, she hears several voices talking to Amy. Some laugh and others seem to be mimicking the words Ophelia had just spoken and Ophelia lets her tears fall freely as she turns around, back towards the house and catches a glimpse of Amy standing with several of the other girls at their school. Ophelia catches Amy’s eyes for just a short moment and she can see how much Amy is hurting and though she shouldn’t, Ophelia can’t help but feel sorry for her. Ophelia turns back around again as the girls go back inside, closing the front door after them and she shuts the gate behind her as she starts trudging down the street towards her own house. Ophelia, in spite of her pain at the moment, is happily unaware that she has barely even scratched the surface of the heartache she is destined to feel. Ophelia will fall in love and have so many pieces of her heart stolen that by the end, she will not even have a heart of her own any longer. [regret it enough for the both of us] | ||||||||||||||
 | haleløs | 2016-03-07 13:29:13 |
I've read only half-way trough; you need to rewrite this text into more active dialogue between Ophelia and Amy.
STOP TELLING THE READER WHAT TO KNOW; instead let us experience all feelings trough the verbal and non-verbal interactions of the two 13-year old girls on the porch ;)
Thumbs up!
sincerely ...
STOP TELLING THE READER WHAT TO KNOW; instead let us experience all feelings trough the verbal and non-verbal interactions of the two 13-year old girls on the porch ;)
Thumbs up!
sincerely ...
| haleløs | 2016-03-08 10:14:04 |
If your aim is to TELL a story (to an audience) you first need to understand that storytelling is an art that takes much ambitious work over long time to reach some level of perfection.
Anybody can write anything down; it takes much discipline and self-criticism to become an author / writer!
Your above answer presents the beginners attitude; you have yet much to learn. THUMBS UP ;)
sincerely ...
Anybody can write anything down; it takes much discipline and self-criticism to become an author / writer!
Your above answer presents the beginners attitude; you have yet much to learn. THUMBS UP ;)
sincerely ...
| BigNerdBeard | 2016-03-08 12:55:05 |
I do have a lot to learn but I'm not the only one. You do as well. Your attitude towards the story is in a way close minded because you believe it needs to be rewritten simply based on the fact that it isn't written in the way that you think is best.
Sure I agree that there's plenty of room for improvement but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the basic concept of the story. And now correct me if I'm wrong but telling the reader what to know is a kind of storytelling is it not? Except for spelling and grammar mistakes there's not really a wrong way to write a story.
I will gladly say that I'm well aware that my work is not perfect but it is still art and art comes in many different forms.
Besides my aim is to write and tell a story not to an audience but to myself.
Sure I agree that there's plenty of room for improvement but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the basic concept of the story. And now correct me if I'm wrong but telling the reader what to know is a kind of storytelling is it not? Except for spelling and grammar mistakes there's not really a wrong way to write a story.
I will gladly say that I'm well aware that my work is not perfect but it is still art and art comes in many different forms.
Besides my aim is to write and tell a story not to an audience but to myself.
| haleløs | 2016-03-08 14:13:35 |
" ... telling the reader what to know is a kind of storytelling is it not?" NOPE!
https://da.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortælling_(storytelling)
STORYTELLING is the art of capturing and fascinating an audience. Opposed to keeping a (private) diary to remember or rearrange ones past.
My above comments were meant only as kind hints to attract readers / audience. Now advised you don't really care about that part ... I'll just excuse myself entirely from the process!
My comments are easily deleted via the red cross placed bottom-right.
I wish you good luck ;)
sincerely ...
https://da.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortælling_(storytelling)
STORYTELLING is the art of capturing and fascinating an audience. Opposed to keeping a (private) diary to remember or rearrange ones past.
My above comments were meant only as kind hints to attract readers / audience. Now advised you don't really care about that part ... I'll just excuse myself entirely from the process!
My comments are easily deleted via the red cross placed bottom-right.
I wish you good luck ;)
sincerely ...
| BigNerdBeard | 2016-03-08 14:17:15 |
Considering what I'm writing about is not my past it can't really be called a diary...
I have no reason to delete your comments I have simply tried to point out that I don't really 'need' to rewrite my story as you in your first comment said that I do.
Thank you. I wish you the best of luck with your work as well.
I have no reason to delete your comments I have simply tried to point out that I don't really 'need' to rewrite my story as you in your first comment said that I do.
Thank you. I wish you the best of luck with your work as well.
| Lantow | 2016-03-08 22:02:12 |
I kinda like the story. The way it's presented gives it a feel of hard cold fact - a feel that (imo) goes well with the coldness of the theme - almost like a crime has been committed, or something in those lines. The storyline is clear too. The places where the writing breaks with its staccato-like form and instead becomes more lyrical also seem to fit in with the flow of the story.
All in all a fine little narrative and good execution. Keep it up!
All in all a fine little narrative and good execution. Keep it up!
| BigNerdBeard | 2016-03-09 23:23:59 |
Thank you. I am a little unsure about the story myself as I have never written anything quite like it but personally I think the storyline deepens during the next couple of chapters.
The more lyrical part of the story is mainly my attempt at trying to show just exactly how much goes unsaid in life.
The more lyrical part of the story is mainly my attempt at trying to show just exactly how much goes unsaid in life.
| haleløs | 2016-03-09 14:29:21 |
if you're going to publish something you'll need a lot of beta-readers.
You could begin by posting comments to fx. Lantow's and Dragonfly's texts ;)
I wish you good luck!
sincerely ...
You could begin by posting comments to fx. Lantow's and Dragonfly's texts ;)
I wish you good luck!
sincerely ...
| BigNerdBeard | 2016-03-09 23:17:01 |
I don't plan on publishing any books but thanks for the tip.
Du skal være logget ind, før du kan kommentere og vurdere!
The way this chapter(and the following ones that has yet to be posted) is written gives the book the exact kind of feel I want it to have so I do not believe I am going to change the way it is written.