 |  | My nights |
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All my life even as a child I've always known that the demons aren't under our beds but inside of us. This has been eating me alive since forever and a day. I no longer know how to function normally I no longer know what normal even is. And that scares me. I'm slowly breaking and i will continue to break until there is nothing left to break. One to many habe tried to understand have tried to help have tried to be there. But in the end I am alone. They can be there for me they can walk with me along the road bit they can't carry me. I have to fond a way to get over the finish line without cheating and without help. I remember my mom saying "Sweetie i understand! I know how hard it is!" But you know what? She has no idea never had probably never will. She has no idea how it is to look in the mirror and cry because of your own face. I also remember my answer to her that day was the second time i self harmed. I remember yelling "Oh but you don't! You have no idea! NO FREAKING IDEA!" and then running out of the house and hiding out in the other house doing everything in my power not to break down infront of my older brother his girlfriend and one of my older sisters. I remember the night after that clearly hiding in the bathroom in the middle of the night for an hour contemplating whether to just get it over with and take an overdose or to just find that damn razor and a towel for the blood. I don't even know if it was lucky i choose the latter or not. Right now I'm in one of our guest rooms crying while writing this and listening to Casting Crowns 'Just be held' 'Heroes' and 'House of dreams' and though I'm crying I feel numb. It's six in the morning and i haven't slept tonight terrified of my mind that's screaming at me to do something about this numbness. I've already self harmed once in the last five hours and I'm scared because it's getting harder to fight the urges to punish myself and to just feel SOMETHING anything. And while i look around the room i think 'Is this really how you're going to end it? Just give up?' and my answer to that is 'No' I'm not going to give up I'm going to fight to stay above the water to keep from drowning. I'm going to fight until the fight kills me. I am NOT going to give up. And with that i bid you goodnight. | ||||||||||||||
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